Fear-less

Warning: playing Ingress may involve child's play!  My friend
and I had a great time playing at the play ground with Greta Jo.
I have special one on one time with each of my daughters, and
it's been a treasure. 

Greta Jo, just three years old, loves going to the park to play. There are many parks in Louisville from which I could and do choose. Today, I chose one with three portals and a few more nearby. Play may mean different things for me and my little one and it no less fun!

Greta Jo is the sort of kid who watches, observers, and gains confidence after a couple of tries.  I see her face her fears.  It's not the she's fearful, it's that she fears less and less.

Ever since I was a little kid, I had a thin shell that cracked under pressure for a variety of larger than life to a kid reasons.  I've been candid about some of them in earlier posts here, but let it suffice, I had good reason to be scared and angry.  Some are defined by these moments, forever stuck in the reaction of fight or flight.  Through my candor and awareness, I try to keep perspective when these emotions pop up.

Emotions aren't rational.  If they were, we human critters would be much better at getting along.  What I hope to impart on the girls isn't that courage is bluster and bravado, but knowing yourself and your skills enough that when fear shows up, it has less say in how you choose to act.  Courage is being afraid, and acting wisely, not in a mindless reaction of aggression and defensiveness.  This is true whether climbing a jungle gym and going down the big kid slides, or tackling a big project at work covering something you've never done.  Greta Jo already has her problem solving, she observes, figures it out, and then goes ahead and tries.  She may have been on this earth for just a few years, but that little girl has living big down already.

Bang your drum and dance

Clara Lou offered her muffin to her Aunt Leslie when we
stopped at Vint for coffee, tea, muffins and scones.  She's
using sentences now, and well, it makes our hearts melt.

I love my life.

It's easy to feel overwhelmed, and even easier to stumble on what's wrong.  What a cop out.  Ranting to the heavens that this or that isn't fair?   Don't get me wrong, I've indulged in wallowing in self-pity, feeling victim to circumstance.  Those are feelings that don't stand to reason, by their very definition.  Feel them and keep moving.

Having both parents, and now my sister Leslie suffer strokes, it is easy for them to have tangible reasons to wallow in misery.  Instead, each of them, in their own way, has healed and continues to do so, living life vibrantly.  Leslie, after recouperating at a friend who is an RN, moved in with me, my husband JJ and our two girls, for those who don't know.  Since her stroke, there are aspects of who she is, how her brain works, that are exagerated.  Leslie is more apt to be sensitive.  She always has been, which is what makes her such a wise and wonderful friend, beyond just a sister.  However, when it's hard on her, it's hard on me, the caregiver who wants to make it all okay.

Sometimes, we have to be okay with life not being okay.

That's a take away from all the hardship I've helped and watched my sister and parents go through with their health challenges.  It's one that I have learned, thank you universe, countless times.  I've wailed pointlessly that I get it, bad stuff happens and I'm doing my best. . . that somehow doesn't feel good enough.

And, good enough, if you wake up breathing?  That's pretty sweet.

Clara Lou tries out her percussive skills.  She's a wise child -
leading by example that we can all try new things.
It's not just a music class, but its kinetic and
little Clara Lou loves to spin and dance to the music.

It's been said lots of ways: count your blessings, etc. etc.  However, when feeling bogged down, like I just can't get a break, I slip into finding what wrong.  I just did it to myself on the way to work.  It's spring break, and there were plans made for travel and adventure that due to real life pressures, had to be cancelled.  That's okay.  Greta Jo and Clara Lou won't know what they missed.  (and I do). I succumbed to self-pity.  Then stopped in my tracks.  I looked for what was wrong, and set myself up for seeing my shortcomings.  I can't be surprised.  I mean, we do tend to find what we're looking for.*  I realized quickly that the girls won't know what they missed - travel to a beach, sand in their toes, but that doesn't mean we can't have adventures.

So, I have a plan for the next week of their little 3 and 2 year old spring break from preschool and parent's day out: stay-cation.  Go visit all about town and our surround.  My parents, both teachers, would do this with me and my sisters in the years they were recovering from a big splurge trip abroad, or saving for the next big trip.

You can bang your drum and wail to the heavens or you can bang your drum and dance.  I prefer the latter.

Wings to fly

Hand me down bike with training wheels and riding helmet.
Greta Jo is ready to ride with those riding mopeds in Spain.

Greta Jo, upon seeing the moon in the afternoon, says "Maman! I can't reach it! It's the moon! Go get my wings Clara Lou. I'm gonna fly up to the moon. I still can't reach it! Maman, will you fly to the moon and catch the moon?"

True to her persistent and curious nature, Greta Jo continued with her plea for the moon, "Maman, we will need to build a rocket ship! We need boxes, markers, stickers."

Later, Clara Lou was playing with the fairy wings saying, "Maman?  Maman.  Fly...."

As Papa has said to them before, when Greta Jo (literally) asked him for the moon some time ago, "we'll go vacation there someday if we're lucky."

On the level

There's a cooperative push and pull, that some may
see as adversarial element to the game.
What is easily smashed, leaves in its void
the opportunity to create and build.
This is me, Agent Daphnesq,
shortly after reaching L7 in 9 days, 23 hours.

Ten days into playing a game called Ingress, and I now dream Ingress, according to my dear husband.  No one could be more shocked than me.

I have plenty of stress and obligations in my life.  Real world, some seemingly gargantuan tasks (hello corporate taxes), but managed through sheer will, aggressive and fair play, to tackle playing the game in such a way that I accomplished something in the game that made me feel like a powerful monster.

How?  I'm rather shocked at some enlightening realizations that have come my way recently.

Once, I was a gaming widow; willingly and happily indulging my husband JJ as he delved into yet another rabbit hole, using his wits and imaginary braun against foes in fierce battle that translated to his static state, staring at a screen (great company that). When the most recent game took him out of his chair and away from a flickering screen, and seeking, taking, connecting all about town as Enlightenment Agent "Untranslatable", whilst learning about our city's quirky spots and history, I was intrigued.  A week ago last Saturday, I joined him down this bewildering rabbit hole called Ingress.  Our future will never be the same.  We are husband and wife, parents, and now, fellow-agents for the Enlightenment  of our tomorrows.

I now understand my husband a little more, who knew that was possible by just doing something that our two girls do so naturally?  Play.

Go play.  Play hard.  Play fair.  Just get out and move.

I am proud to be Enlightened.  I am Agent Daphnesq.

---------------------------------------

How I chose "Daphnesq" as my screen and Agent name:

My sister Leslie read me Greek myths as bedtime stories growing up.  My fave was about Daphne, a wood nymph.  She wanted to be independent* (insert colorful gender study here).  Daphne got ensnared in a my arrow's bigger than your arrow fight between Eros and Apollo.  Eros was a little sneak, and shot Daphne with a lead tipped arrow so she would be repulsed by Apollo, and he shot Apollo with a gold tipped arrow so he would be OBSESSED with Daphne.  (I argue that her independence would have had her react the same, and Apollo, horn dog that he was, would have pursued her anyway.  He chased, she ran, and it annoyed me as a kid that she cried out for help.  I mean, all that harping about independence, and she ends up being a damsel in distress?  wth?  There are various versions, one is that Gaia (who was smitted by Apollo when he took her Oracles) another is that Peneus her father the river god, rescued her by turning her into a Laurel tree.  Apollo catches her as her skin turns to bark and declares the tree sacred.  His minstrels wore laurel wreaths, victors and Cesars wore crowns of them, Olympians wear them, and our certificates and diplomas are decorated with them still, 2000 years later.

It wasn't until about 9 years ago, when I needed help, that I realized that it wasn't her weakness that had her cry out for help, but a strength.  It takes courage to ask and be willing to receive help.

That's why, Daphne is my Agent name. The esq, makes it an adjective (made up one, yes), but is also the abbreviation of my profession:  Esquire.  It was hard earned, and I never forget that I am nothing more than a glorified hourly employee and advocate for those brave enough to ask for help.

When the game stops being fun, do something novel and stop playing.  When game "trash talk" isn't received as I intend, in jest, I will shush and give you the win of besting me verbally and do something else novel - let the game decide.  It's designed by an amazing team of Google employees.




I owe special thanks to Cowgirl App! and Ingress staff for making such an amazing game that will change not just those who get out and play, but perhaps how we see our world.

Got Game?

I suggested a new portal for the marker for James Guthrie,
without whom, Louisville would have not
been as dynamic or experienced
the growth it did. 

Up until a little under a week ago, I never ever ever would have described myself as a gamer.  I am long in the tooth, and started playing pong, and a few games, and even started programming Basic on a then ultimate new tech: a Texas Instrument 64K.

:pause for the youngsters who read this to absorb what that really means:

So, when I became a gaming widow (again), as a house divided between UK/UL, Android/Apple, I decided that I wanted to see what was up.  I was due to get a new phone and got an Android just after I got my invitation to play the game that had captured my husband's attention: Ingress.

It's a game that requires players to get out from under their computers and be out in the world.  I liked that relatedness.  I liked the idea that it would take me all over the city, when I played in my leisure, but I could also play in the ordinary course of my day... and even when I (lord help me that I get to) TRAVEL.  As a rootbound traveler, the idea that a game could be so engaging was intriguing.

So, just five days later, I can say I've complete enjoyed indulging my addictive personality

It's a fairly new game too.  There are ways to suggest new places to be included on the map of where you play.  (Think Google Maps tech meets "steal the flag" from recess when you were a kid).
Unlike Steal the Flag was for me when I was a kid, this is fun.  I check my route http://ingress.com/intel before going out to work/destination.  I "hack" green portals (my team, their team are blue) to gear up. I find green portals with slots open for resonators.  I make sure to hack AFTER I fill a portal, and not before, unless you'll be around and then hack more than once after the cool down.  You can hack what?  4 times within 20 minutes?  I'm an imprecise person, for a wordsmith... but I digress.  So, greater AP (the points) reward is for building (filling a portal with resonators, and when you are level 3 or more, making links and creating fields), but smashing blue portals is fun too. Being out and about's great chance to hack green portals (you get more than hacking blue), and gear up for when I come home.   But what do I know... I'm a neophyte and still learning.


The nature of this game is adversarial in nature.  There are those who have been playing more than my five days and well, just like the big world out there, players'personalities have conflicted, and are bound to continue to do so.  I'd like to suggest that we keep a perspective that this is a frakin' game.  Part of it will involve opposing factions being at the same place.  Body language, interactions, if not kept friendly, do have consequences.  Raise it on the comms, sure.  Settle it on them with more than playful banter and escalate it to aggressive outbursts and threats accompllishes nothing but alienation.

I like to take an example from HOW THE GAME IS STRUCTURED.  We are rewarded for building.  Just a quick look at the matrix for points.  More points for filling a portal with resonators, more points for a link, even more points for creating a field, better HACKS for recharging your portal and keeping it happy.


ingress, not only leads to improved google glass (after a couple or versions until the bio-feedback doesn't destroy ones ability to focus near and far), but a dynamic way to take online presence and translate it into the world.  It isn't just data mining users like me's use, but it's improving geocaching, information, nor is it just a game of connect the dots.  The growth potential makes me quite curious.

Add to it, my dear husband is playing.  He has this inclusive approach to life, even in the way he runs his business, taking adversarial business competitors and drawing them in as a kind of informal guild.  That will be critical, as it's likely Google's Niantic (who runs the game) will introduce a third faction, and after all the nastiness of being adversaries, it will require cross-faction alliances to continue to level up and get into even greater complexities.  He played for weeks before I did.  I was happy he was having such fun.  He picked the team that had fewer players and less territory and "leveled" up relatively quickly because, I believe, of that genuine sincerity that I admire in him so much.  The game rewards cooperation, and that's just who he is.  We got to go out together for the first time, and it was an Ingress Date Night and was wonderful.  

Bottom line is that it is frakin' fun.  When it stops being fun?  Guess what... I'll do something novel and stop playing.  The gift of it all though, is that after just five days, I'm proud to call myself a gamer.

Papa Shoes

Clara Lou, still just 2 and change, still relies on her naps.  She's going through another growth spurt, and she needs sleep even more.  Her little mind sparks with new realizations and awareness of her world.  Perhaps because her Papa and I sneeze so big (and have so often this cold and flu season), Clara Lou made her first joke.  She would sneeze, and with her wide smile, waiting for us to wish her "à tes souhaits" in response, laughing hysterically when we do, as if she's pulled one over on her parents - tricking us with her pretend sneezes. Now that she's taking music classes again at Shine for Music Together, her favourite song is the no surprise - it's all about noses and even has a sneeze tucked in the melody!

Greta Jo proclaimed her high tops were "Papa Shoes!"

Today, while Clara Lou napped, and Aunt Leslie listened for when she waked, Greta Jo and I went outside to play.  Before going out, she carefully placed her turtle toy next to her play laptop, next to mine, instructing turtle how to play games.  I have to watch how much time I spend on my computer in front of the girls!  This is just part of the reason we're sure to have dance parties, art chaos (when is creativity neat?), and yes, even on days when it rains, or is chilly or "bad" weather outside. I mean, who wants to live confined?  Not us!  After all, there's no bad weather, just being poorly dressed for it.

Getting our shoes on, she put on what has been her fave shoes since growing into Toddler size 8.  She announced that these were her "Papa Shoes!"  I looked, and realized that although she's had galloshes and little furry boots, these are the first pair of high tops, similar to her Papa's Adidas combat boots.  She proudly stomped outside and paraded about in them.

[I think Papa needs to add some sparkly bits to his combat boots.]

Her boots served her well as she and I ran up and down the hill.  Greta Jo was a big fan of cooking and brining me meals, pouring us pretend tea.  I must say, she's a great hostess and it's always perfectly steeped.

Little days like this make for big memories.

beautifully human

This darling moment is like so many that make up the bulk of life with our girls.
My dear husband JJ and I get
to do this; this life together.
It's moments like these that we grab our cameras and share
with friends, family, and in this case, the world.

What we don't say and share, is private for a reason;
and it's nice to know that behind the glossy versions of
our-online-selves, we are all beautifully human.

As a parent, it's so easy to focus so much on the mechanics of living our own lives.  To be involved in our family, extended family, friends, community, takes a different kind of effort.  Busy isn't better or harder as a parent, it's just different. Fatigue follows the same impression.  All this is coming from someone who took 20 years to find the right guy and start a family... at 40!  I turn 44 in two days, so my perspective on single/childless me, and the parent version is pretty awesome.  I get to do both.  With life, there is no dress rehearsal, as the saying goes.

With all that my life choices have brought me this particular day, as a mother in her 40s, the life that has happened along the way, it's nice to have an online group of sister Mamas.  Without having to bundle up the girls, divide my time with them, I can sit before my computer screen and find a friend.  Bend her ear, listen with that gentle give and take.  It started with a small group and expanded to our friends just outside that initial circle, and then their friends.  The group is pretty static now.  Some of the initial members have moved along, as their children have grown, others add their friends with their brand new babies and post questions that seem new and overwhelming, and having a Mama at hand who just went through it makes the isolation associated with newborns, or parenting as a whole, seem so much less lonely.

Here's something I posted just this morning.  The threads and responses were touching and overwhelming.  I suspected, and now have confirmed, that the glossy side we all see with so many having online networks, is like having a virtual pressure of "keeping up with the Joneses."  I wanted to peel off that veneer, and give us permission to be authentic.  There is a give and take in what we share online.  Some things ought to remain private.  Many may think my blog is one giant over-share.  It's purpose has evolved over time, and my intent constant - to be genuine.

>------<

I just wanted to acknowledge a reality... parenting is hard. For me, as wonderful, fun, exciting it is, as much as I am in love with my girls and husband, and have grown to love him in amazing ways as a father... it confronts me and gives rise to issues I thought I had long settled. I don't post here online the rows DH (dear husband, for those who don't know, and his name is JJ) and I have. Those are private. What I will acknowledge, that there is always a point where either of us can say, "I saved the relationship when I did or didn't do "X" (insert act of kindness, turning other cheek, jab or dig you didn't take, you get my point). When the arguments flare, they are hard, and we try not to have them around the girls. When they do, when it's hard and you can see the hint of a marriage or relationship that has a moment when it might not work? I have seen that. It's then that I have taken the step, even if in breath of a fleeting moment, to recognize my part. It acknowledge that my reality isn't the only one. To sincerely and humbly apologize for my part and say I'm sorry that DH is (hurt, angry, etc.) That's not saying I "made him that way"... I do love him and hurt when he's upset.

I told Greta Jo the other day that our kitties don't understand she's curious. That sometimes our intent isn't what how others, even kitties, interpret them. That it was completely reasonable for Molly kitty to run and hide from Greta Jo because her reaching for her and squeeling had scared her.

Take that in.

Isn't that just what happens in an argument? We feel our feelings and are justified in them? The actions that transpire, how the one we love most, our partner (whether together or divorce, married or not, you'll always be parents and there is love in that if you can find it)... their perspective is theirs. Their feelings are there. IT'S SO EASY to dig in. To be "right" with our justified feelings based on our perspective.

But that's so not the point. The point is to get to the end game. The meat of a relationship is not just having a row and apologizing, "kiss and make up." But they are like when an athelete injures themselves, there is a chance to heal and discover new strengths.

I'm not saying I do this often. I'm not saying DH and I have a row like clockwork. But just like the girls, now pre-schoolers, when they are tired or hungry, or stressed from a growth spurt are more apt to lose patience and pick a fight with me, the one they trust to love them still when the dust settles... it's no different for us grown-ups. I've noticed that our conflicts as parents come up about the girls more frequently when we are tired, haven't had the intimacy of sex (remember when it was fun and get over yourself and just have some ladies), are fed, and oh my, dare I suggest rested.

So, yeah, that's the ugly truth about my posts and questions I pose to my Mama friends. All of that is generally the prettier side. This is how I handle the not-so-pretty... and we are all beautifully human.